AWKWARD ZOMBIE

Okay, so there's a contest on http://www.thepoetsplace.org/ and the grand prize is 1000 bucks. besides the fact of winning the cheddar, and even if i don't, if my poem is chosen, it gets published. So, i've written a poem, and I need people to tell me what they think of it, so i can decided whether or not to scrap it and try again, or fix it up and go with it. So here it is:

The man in the dark house
Every night.
No light spills from the windows.
Quiet as a morgue.
Tattered drapes, rotting paint,
the stuff of nightmares.

Who lives there?
The old man in rags.
Scraggly beard, unshaven
blind as a bat.
Yet he looks at you
when you pass by,
drunk out of your mind.

His name is whispered,
not spoken.
Dark thoughts haunt you
when you think of him.
His toothy grin sears your eyes
and follows you forever.

Don't sit, he'll stand behind you.
Don't drive, he's in your back seat.
Don't eat, he's sharing your food.
Don't cry, he has no remorse.
Don't live,
He's waiting.

I got shivers. The toothy grin thing is what did it for me.

Impressive!

EDIT: Also I'd like to take this opportunity to point out I have no taste in poetry. Grain of salt, etc.

I'd scrap it. The subject matter is too obvious, too revealing - it gives everything away way too soon. 'sides, it's been covered time and timed again, subtler, better, more to the point. My advice: choose a lighter subject matter, something you can relate to, not necessarily funny, but warm and personal. People like that (and it'll stand out in the sea of pubertal grimdark poems that will likely flood the contest).

I liked it, but Ung is right. The subject matter has been done far too many times before, and if you hope to win, let alone be published, choose something you could write about in a snap.

it's well written, that much is true, but it is grim and the idea has been overdone.. I have very little to add to what the ones before me said...

And dammit starseed, every time i see your sig i have a mental picture of a dude drowning in a liquid while a star has pop flyin' me-time above it

Most suspense is rooted into the danger of the unknown. Also, you want to make the reader nervous themselves by suggesting somehow this could happen to them.

alright...well,i got hit by inspiration, and am in the middle of writing "The rabbit under the chair" so i'll post it when it's done and see what everyone thinks

You might not want to use the word "stuff" in a poem. It kind of ruins the whole I'M STALKING YOU RAAARRRGH or the IT'S HEEEERE thing. Still pretty good. But you still shouldn't take me seriously, I'm bad when it comes to judging unless it's judging the quality of popsicles.

I'd have a go, but five bucks to put crappy poetry on the internet? Isn't that why myspace is free?

actually, i have to print out the poem and send it to the people running the site. They plan to publish the anthology of poems as a book.

So here's "The rabbit under the chair" Ung said to choose a subject matter i can relate to. Well, this is a typical experience of when my albino rabbit hops around in my living room.

The Rabbit Under the Chair
Sniff sniff.
Is that a carrot?
Maybe a piece of kale?
A wibbling nose
emerges from beneath the chair.

Ears perk from flattened position.
It's a human!
A lumbering mass of white
leaves the chair shelter.
On hind feet next to tall leg.
Pay attention to me!

A nice scratch behind the ears.
Oh yeah, that's good...
A bunny in bliss
with the sick pig look
Enjoying the good life

Hands reach down.
I don't wanna go back to my cage!
Springs back under the chair,
the white, fluffy football
with ears and a tail.

This poem seems to mostly be the world from a rabbit's perspective, but it's not very consistent. I doubt a rabbit would describe itself as, "a white, fluffy football." Try to see the world through the rabbit's eyes. How about trying to capture the feelings of curiosity, mystery, apprehension, joy from getting attention, and fear when picked up by giant hands? I dunno, I'm trying to make suggestions, but if I go too far, I might as well just write my own daisies poem.

But I like the use of 'wibbling.' I've actually heard that word used before, but I never quite understood what it means. xD

And I like the way it opens with onomatopoeia. It's pretty classy.

XD That's quite the mental image.